Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
