She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
