So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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