Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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