Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
