Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm always down for nudity.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
