You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
