New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
