I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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