Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
