1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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