He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
