Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
