your parents love me but you hate me
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
