i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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