I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
