I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
