Your face is a jimmy john
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
