I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
