I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
