The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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