Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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