There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You need Xanax blowdarts
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
