just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
