It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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