I will die if light touches me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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