Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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