You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
