oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
