If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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