he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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