Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
