good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
