ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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