Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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