I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
even my farts smell like vagina
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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