Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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