I can text with my tongue
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
