Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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