At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.