The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.