I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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