i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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