She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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