wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
