I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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