my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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