Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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