when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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