His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
