Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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