Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
