I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
