I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
