if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
