Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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