my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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