i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
