Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
