I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I want to have your abortion
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
