I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
